Too Personal and Great News!

So yes, I took the blog down for awhile. I felt like I had to. I was about to start my first round of clomid and I was so afraid that my journey to conceive had just started and I just couldn't bear to document it. I know that it is therapeutic for some, but for me, I just couldn't do it.

But...

I am overjoyed to report that I actually got all that I want! The clomid worked on the first round. I took the pills and got one hcg shot and conceived. My wonderful and optimistic husband was right. He just knew it would work quickly. I have my 12 week appointment this coming Monday. I am so impatient about telling people! So I figured if anyone checked my blog, they could have a sneak preview of what I will announce starting on Tuesday. I am officially 12 weeks on Mother's Day. How perfect is that?

More About Me

The purpose of this blog is to document and get support about my journey to having a child, but there is so much more to me than that. And I find that I want to blog, but there is nothing much going on with that aspect of my life. Right now, I am on the 5th and final day of Clomid for this cycle. For those of you who don't know, I take it days 5-9 of my cycle then on day 12 I take a home ovulation predictor test. If I ovulate that day I go get an ultrasound. If I don't, I test again on day 13 and get an ultrasound that day whether it reads positive or not. On the ultrasound, the doctor is looking to see if I have developed mature folicles due to the Clomid treatment. Depending on what they see, I have been told that I may get an hcg trigger shot to force ovulation. Then I will need to have sex 12, 24, and 36 hours later. So that is it for now. I haven't talked to the doc about how long we will keep this course of treatment etc. I feel like I can only handle a couple steps at a time. So I will breathe and take time to relax. I am going to trust the doctors and ask questions. That's it.

I would rather blog about some of my favorite things and myself. It may just be therapeutic because as I type, I will be reminded that there is so much more to my life than infertility.

So...about me...the one and only...

I am the youngest of 3 and I grew up in upstate NY. I have a wonderful and supportive family. My parents have been married for over 40 years and they have been through so much. Through it all, they are so supportive and loving towards one another. They are always making the other laugh. My dad has a way of making my mom laugh when she is frustrated with him. They are both so quirky and have their own way of doing things. These quirks drive both of them crazy about the other. They are always yelling at each other and then laughing. They mostly fight about what is on TV because my dad always wants to watch the news, baseball, and documentaries and my mom likes sitcoms, dramas and reality TV. Their playful banter is highly entertaining.

I have a brother and sister who are 6 and 8 years older than I am. So I am truly the baby. I have the typical character traits of a youngest child. I like to annoy others and make them laugh. I am completely incompetent with some things and I don't care about doing some of those things better. For example, I don't sew, not even a button. And I don't care. I just find other people to sew for me or I wear other pants/shirts. I can be pretty stubborn about doing things myself and not asking for or accepting help at times.

I have 4 nephews and I adore them! My family always teases me that I must have a girl, and to tell you the truth, boy do I want one. Of course, I will be ecstatic for one healthy baby. Gender doesn't matter to me all that much. I know that once I am pregnant, it really won't matter to me what I am having. Is it weird that I feel like I love this baby that has yet to be conceived? Well if it is, then I guess I am weird. I can live with that.

I am a good sleeper. I always have been. My husband won't start watching a movie with me after 7 pm and he knows I will probably fall asleep before it is done. I joke that I need to start writing movie reviews based on what I actually saw and remember. It would be called, "Stacey's 2/3 of a Movie Review." It belongs on SNL.

OK, that is enough for now. I am getting tired. Surprise surprise!

Goodnight.

It Is Time for Reinforcements

AKA Clomid. I am not pregnant, and I am pretty devestated. I am just sad. I really thought that using the watch would work. I was wrong.

So I am giving myself today to be sad, giving myself a day to feel like a fool. I could have started with Clomid almost a year ago, but I insisted on trying acupuncture and losing weight and then trying. I don't know why, but lately I have been flushing all my hard work down the toilet. I haven't been working out and I have been eating whatever. And surprise surprise, the weight is coming back on. Why do I always self-sabotage? I am giving myself today to feel like I am disappointing my family and my wonderful husband. Because today, I feel like I have failed.

But then tomorrow I will pick myself up. I will stop being so stubborn. I will ask for help. Why is asking for help so hard for me? Tomorrow I will call the nurse at the fertility clinic and tell her about the changes in medicine I have had since the last visit. Ask if there will need to be any changes or if I can just take the medicine prescribed last time. See if there is an expiration date on the prescription... Tomorrow I will go back to the gym and eat healthy foods. I know I will feel so much better getting back on the wagon. Tomorrow I will make a plan and start it.

Who knows? Maybe I will feel better because with this help, I may not feel like our fate rests completely in my hands.

Waiting...

So, we used the OV Watch this month and fertile days were detected. So now I just have to wait and wait and wait to see if it worked.

I also got a wonderful gift from a dear friend. She got me an African fertility doll. So sweet! I am finding the more that I talk about (or blog about) what is going on with those I trust, the more support I have been getting. So many people have similar issues and it is great to hear what these amazingly strong women have been through in order to have their babies.

With this waiting I have had time to be introspective, more so than usual. I am really trying to reduce my stress and it feels really good to just let certain things go that usually drive me crazy. I am taking time to breathe, taking time to analyze why I do the things that I do, and beginning to make time to do things that I love. I am worrying less and giving myself a break more. Instead of not saying things that bother me and letting them fester, I am learning to be more assertive and ask for what I need. Then the stress lessens or halts completely. I am pretty proud of myself :). Ahhhh, it feels gooood!

What do you do to relax? I am open to suggestions to distract me from the wait. Tick...tock...

Well Hello Again

It has been a long time since my last post! Since I am new to blogging, I think sometimes I am just not sure what to write.

Here are some highlights since my last post:

I had a wonderful holiday season! I was able to see my family and my in-laws in NY. It was so relaxing! I met my nephew, Leo, and my friend's little girl. So cute!! J and I celebrated our anniversary in style with a 2 floor suite in a beautiful hotel, courtesy of my in-laws. We ended up bringing in food and drinks and inviting friends to come celebrate with us in such a gorgeous place. I felt very spoiled and lucky for all of my blessings.

I started using the OV Watch and it detected my fertile days. Yay! This is fantastic because ovulation kits have never worked for me. Unfortunately, the best days were when we were in NY, on an air mattress, at my in-laws, while I had a stomach virus. TMI. So we are trying to use the watch for one more month and then going on Clomid. That is the plan.

Another good sign is that my cycle was 33 days this month! Whoo hoooooo!!! The new meds must be working to regulate my hormones. This is very exciting indeed!

So, that is all for now. I am trying to stay stress-free. HA! I learned some new breathing exercises to help. Also, I am praying a lot lately and meditating as well. Along with the exercise and healthy eating, I am trying to reduce my stress. Now I just need to remember these things at work.

It will happen.

So Confused

Why is everything that has to do with fertility so confusing? I mean, I consider myself to be a pretty intelligent person. but I am just puzzled.

We are in an era of self-diagnosis and therefore we feel that we can also steer our treatment. I have to admit that it may not be possible for me to cure myself. I don't know what is best. I can take advice and tips fro friends and readers, but I have a unique situation. I just need to ask lots of questions and when I don't understand, ask the doctors and nurses to explain things again.

So I am calling the nurse at the fertility clinic tomorrow. I got the prescription for clomid a long time ago. I forgot if I am supposed to come in for an ultrasound on my cycle day 13 only if I don't ovulate as indicated by an ovulation predictor kit. I may just need to come in anyway. I also forgot when exactly we are supposed to...you know, when I start clomid.

I have a feeling I am going to need to skip this cycle and start clomid the next cycle. I may not be in town on day 13 and/or the days during that week I might need to get ultrasounds. Oh well.

I am grateful for a wonderful Thanksgiving with my husband and friends, great health insurance, and being able to go home for the holidays. So what if I have to wait to start the meds for another month. In the grand scheme of things, it really is no big deal.

Such a Good Day!

Today has been fabulous! I got my hair cut and colored by my wonderful stylist. She makes the visits so fun and relaxing and she has been through it all with trying to concieve her 3 year old and the one on the way. She is a wealth of info and always makes me feel better as I leave.

Then I went into Bellevue to do some shopping and get Digby his favorite treats. While we were there, Jeremy was wearing a Syracuse sweatshirt. We heard a gal say, "Syracuse," so we stopped to chat. She and her husband grew up in Syracuse and her family lives 3 streets down from mine. They own the local Chinese take-out place that I have ordered from more times than I can count. She even went to my high school. I am assuming she graduated after me. They looked young. The couple also went to RIT, where Jeremy went to college. We would have exchanged info, but they are moving to Boston. We also shared how people always say to us, "You're from NY? You don't have an accent." FYI, people from the city and Long Island (Lawn Guyland) have accents, not people from way upstate like us. Small World!

Then, on our way out of the mall, Jeremy ran into his previous boss who had 2 extra tickets to a private showing of Harry Potter. He offered those babies to us and we accepted. It was great!

Then, when I got home, I saw that Lisa passed along my blog and now I have way more readers and even some followers. Big hugs for Lisa! I feel so grateful and lucky too! Thanks for reading and passing this blog along!! Now that I have more of an audience, I am certainly feeling the support and the love.